Music Is Good For The Soul... But Not That Shit!

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird don't sing
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring don't shine
Mama's gonna buy you a...

Wait.  Hold on. I know this...

And if that diamond ring don't shine
Mama's gonna buy you a... porcupine?

No, that's not it.

And if that diamond ring don't shine
Mama's gonna buy you a... subway line?

Nope.

And if that diamond ring don't shine
Mama's gonna buy you a... bottle of wine?

Now, that's just down right irresponsible.
Fuck! How does this stupid song go??

Screw it.

What you want?  Baby I got it!
What you need?  You know I got it!
All I'm askin' is for a little respect when you come home...

Yeah, that's better!

That's me on any given day during "cranky hour," usually between the hours of 6 and 8 pm, when all my baby wants to do is eat and cry.  No, make that eat and scream her tiny little head off.  I try to console her with a sweet, soothing lullaby, but that never works.  Plus, I don't know the words.  Plus, some of them scare the shit out of me!  The image of my sweet baby, all snug in her cradle, suddenly crashing down to the ground because, for some god forsaken reason, I decided to place it way the fuck up high in a tree, is horrifying!  And don't get me started on that Hush Little Baby nonsense!  Every single one of those gifts is wildly inappropriate for an infant (I had to look up the lyrics.  It was driving me crazy!).

A mockingbird? Everyone knows birds suck as pets.  Unless you can train them to do cool things like tell jokes or deliver messages across country.  Trust me.  I had one and it couldn't do either of those things.  Bor-ing!

A diamond ring?  I only have one of those and it took me 27 years to get it!  So, no, I'm not going to get one for my 9 week old.

A cart and bull?  What the fuck? I don't even know what to say to that one.

This song was clearly written by an over exhausted mother of a colicky baby, at her wit's end trying to come up with some way to shut her baby up, that she succumbs to bribery.  Only she bribes him with things she knows will probably hurt him, just to teach him a lesson.  That lesson being:  Don't fuck with mom and go to bed when she tells you!  The only appropriate gift in the whole song is a dog named Rover, but the idiot parent who is singing wants to return the poor thing because it doesn't bark!  If you ask me, that's the greatest gift ever!  First of all, dogs are awesome.  Second of all, aren't you trying to put your child to sleep?  Why the fuck do you want a barking dog to come charging in?

I am pledging, right now, in front of all of you readers, to never be the mom that only plays lullabies, nursery rhymes or Kidz Bop music for her kids, especially in the car.  Hell no!  My kids are going to grow up listening to real music.*  Sometimes the only thing that makes my baby girl happy is dancing around the house to Aretha Franklin, The Beatles, Fitz and the Tantrums, or Alabama Shakes (just a few of our current favorites).  It really is a win-win situation.  Baby keeps calm, and mommy keeps her sanity!  And when Mommy's not home, she listens to weird shit, like Daft Punk, with Daddy.  Whatever works!

*Disney soundtracks also count as real music.
(What?  So mommy likes to pretend to be a princess every once in a while.  What's wrong with that?)