Having a new baby is like working on a Rubik's Cube every day. As soon as you have the yellow side figured out and then solve the blue, you realize that, in doing so, you've just fucked up the yellow side, and in trying to fix that, you fuck up the blue again! Soon you find yourself in frustrating spiral of do-overs, second guessing every move you make, and seriously contemplating peeling off every single goddamn sticker and reorganizing it by color to make everyone think you are so fucking brilliant and put-together that they hate your guts. Perfection. That's what we want. We want our children to be perfect and we want to be perfect parents. There's no shame in that. Of course I want the best for my child. But this week, I learned something that I think all new moms should know: Best does not always equal perfection.
By the time our baby turned 3 months, life started to get a whole lot easier. Baby girl was a pro at latching to breastfeed, we had established a daytime routine complete with somewhat regular nap times, a nighttime routine with bedtime stories, and best of a all, baby girl was sleeping through the night! We had 4 out of 6 sides of the Rubik's Cube complete! We were fucking rockstar parents! Life was good... for about 2 weeks. Then we hit the trifecta of turds hitting the fan: growth spurt, teething, and... what was the third thing? Shit. I can't remember. Hello, sleep deprivation. It's nice to see you again. NOT!
One of my biggest concerns was that this little peanut decided to go back to cluster feeding during the day again. I brought this up at the Breastfeeding Support group and Counselor Grabby basically told me it was my fault. She said that in letting my baby sleep through the night, I was allowing my milk supply to diminish. Her advice was to wake my baby up at night to feed her and save my milk supply! Excuse me? We have a good thing going and you want me to wake her up? Hell no! I tuned her out after that advice. After that she sounded like Charlie Brown's mom. Wha wha wha wha.... It didn't matter anyway because soon after that, she started waking up 2-3 times during the night on her own. Ugh.
Another issue we are now facing is teething. I think this is why she is waking up at night. It's not crying that I wake up to through the monitor, but rather a sort of primal grunting noise that you would not expect to come from the body of such a tiny baby. After waking up in a panic, expecting to see a gorilla peering over my baby's crib on the monitor, I realized it was just her trying to suck on her thumb. Actually, she was trying to get her whole entire fist in her mouth. Someone once told me that when a tooth is making its way through a baby's gums, it comes in like a cork screw! I have no idea if that's true or not, but that image was enough for me to leap out of bed and run to my baby's rescue as fast as I could. The only thing that seems to calm her down is to breastfeed her until she falls back asleep. Now she can't fall asleep for naps or bedtime unless I breastfeed her to sleep. So this begs the question: have I created a bad habit? (Hubby, did I use that phrase correctly?).
Like I said earlier, I want the best for my child. I want to be a perfect mom for her. I want to teach her how to grow up to be a strong, independent woman, the way my mom taught me. I want her to be a good problem solver and have the courage and self esteem to try things on her own before asking for help. Some people would argue that you should teach your child independence by allowing them to fall asleep on their own and let them cry it out. But is it too early to teach her those lessons?
After talking to other moms, especially the one mom that I look up to the most, my sister, I came to an answer to that question. Yes. Yes it is too early to teach those lessons. I get so wrapped up in worrying about her future, I tend to lose sight of what's right in front of me. She's just a baby and she needs me. It's ok that she falls asleep on my breast, and needs a little extra comfort in the middle of the night. It's ok that I pick her up every time she cries, and sometimes before she cries, just when she gets that little boo-boo lip going. It's ok that I kiss her cheeks several times before laying her in her crib at night, and sneak into her room for one more smooch before I hit the sack. It doesn't seem like it right now, but I am teaching her something that I never want her to forget. I am teaching her that Mommy will always be here for her, day or night, whenever she needs me. Hopefully, she will grow up knowing that she will always have the support of Mommy and Daddy, and with that she will be able conquer anything her little heart desires!
It's certainly not ideal to wake up at midnight, 2 am, 4 am, and 6 am, or to suffer the pains of cluster feeding a teething baby, but it's my life right now and it's perfect. We'll figure out this side of the cube together, and when we do, baby girl will probably scramble up all the colors again and we'll be right back where we started, in Rubik's Cube hell. And that's ok. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to nurse my little bean to sleep for her nap and hold her a little longer before laying her in her crib. No, scratch that, I'm going to put my chores aside for a while and let her nap on my chest on the couch. Now that's a perfect afternoon!
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