Everybody knows a mom who constantly boasts about their kids, posts a trillion pictures on Facebook per hour, and thinks that everyone else in the world is waiting on the edges of their seats for the next update on what their child got on their Spelling test or the color of their baby's poop. You know, THAT mom. Ugh, what a pain in the ass, right? I mean, really! Babies are cute, but they're a dime a dozen. Once you've seen one baby take their first steps, do you really need to see any other? Unless you are fortunate enough to catch your baby taking her first steps, looking especially drunk and wobbly, and ends up falling down, landing on an adorable puppy on video (you know, some real quality AFV shit), does anyone really care? I sure don't!
That was me... before becoming a mom. Something strange happened to me 4 1/2 months ago. It wasn't my body morphing into the shape of a hippo who swallowed a watermelon, or the super human strength I magically obtained to squeeze out said watermelon from my lady parts, or acquiring the power to, not only function but take care of another human being on just a few hours of sleep. All of those things are weird and true, but the strangest thing that happened to me was that on that magical day in March, I became THAT mom. Yup. That mom that you roll your eyes at as you scroll down your Facebook newsfeed, trying to get past the obnoxious baby pics as fast as you can to get to the good FB gossip... That's me!
I realized that I was, in fact, THAT mom just the other day. We were Skyping with friends who live far away and have never met the little muffin in person. I know they love to see her face and can't wait to hold her, but I had a total Really, Andrea? moment when this came out of my mouth:
"Do you want to see her roll over?"
I didn't even give them a chance to answer (although I'm sure they would have said yes!).
"Hun, face the camera over there I'll put her on the floor. Make sure you get this angle so they can see."
It was close to her bedtime, so she wasn't really into performing her newest trick, but I was determined not to let our audience down. So I became a cheerleader.
"Come on, honey! You can do it! Lead with your head! It will give you momentum!" After a few minutes, she finally gave in and our friends were able to witness this amazing feat of athleticism! They clapped and cheered and I know their excitement for our daughter's developmental accomplishments are sincere, but I had an immediate feeling of Oh shit. It's happened.
I've turned. Like I've been bitten by an obnoxious zombie mother, I can feel the infection coursing through my veins, slowly taking over my brain, convincing me that every human being on this planet not only wants to know all about my baby's milestones, but NEEDS to know. Because if they don't get to see a picture of her face right after she poops on her towel after bath time, or see a video of her blowing raspberries (yes, I know. I'm actually guilty of both), their life will be empty and unfulfilled. I'm saving their lives, really.
I don't believe I am the worst offender out there, though. Don't get me wrong, I take an incessant amount of pictures of my child during the day, but I promise I don't post them all! I try to keep myself in check by limiting the amount of pics I post and only posting statuses that I think will make someone laugh, or if I need advice from other mommas, but I'll admit, sometimes I get carried away. It's only a matter of time before I'm driving around in a minivan with a Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student bumper sticker on the back and opening up an art gallery to showcase her first abstract fingerpaint creations.
Do me a favor, please. If I get really out of control, just whack me on the head with something sharp and heavy and put me out of my misery. But I'm sure it will never get to that point. It's not like I write a blog for the world to read all about my adorable and amazingly talented baby or anything...
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Weekend Getaway
Every year my sister and brother-in-law rent a house on a lake not too far from where we live, for a week in the summer. I love that they chose a location close to us because we get to crash their vacation for a few days and spend time with our niece and nephew! This year was especially fun because it was the first time we got to experience a mini vacation with a baby in tow and watch her get to know her cousins!
The first night, my sister insisted that my husband and I go to the bar down the street for a drink so she can spend time with the baby all by herself. Who was I to argue? What kind of mom would I be if I deprived my child of some good quality time with her aunt and uncle? I knew I couldn't leave her for too long because I only had one bottle of breastmilk that I was able to pump that morning, but a little 45 minute date with the hubby was just what we needed. A great start to the weekend, for sure. We were within walking distance from the house, but because we were out on a lake surrounded by mountains, my cell phone somehow interpreted that as being out of the country, so I couldn't receive or send text messages, but I trust my sister 100% and didn't really worry too much. She's done this a few times. She knows what she's doing! Baby girl did just fine! She played a little, took her bottle and even started to fall asleep in her arms, but at one point she opened her eyes, looked up at my sister and out came the boo boo lip when she realized she wasn't with mommy. They were both able to sooth her again by the time we got home, but hearing that she experienced "stranger anxiety" (even for a brief moment) for the first time was a little heartbreaking.
It took a while to get her to sleep that first night. Probably because it was a different environment and the room was pretty bright with all the windows overlooking the lake. But the second night, we all hit the jackpot... All 3 kids were asleep before 8pm! Wahoo! No sooner did my baby's head touch her pack n' play mattress did my sister have a bottle of wine uncorked and ready to be poured.
Not so fast, sister! Here comes the steamboat dinner cruise... We watched that boat with such intensity, as if we were on the front line in battle watching the enemy approach. Don't do it, Captain. Don't you dare blow that horn! Wouldn't you know, Captain Fuckhead tooted that damn horn right in front of the house! Ugh! Baby girl started to stir and those assholes on their fancy dinner cruise blissfully waved to us with a cocktail in the other hand while my sister and I gestured back with just one finger and silently mouthed obscenities at them, careful not to disturb the children. Miraculously, peanut didn't fully wake up. Neither did her cousins! She just swung her little legs way up in the air and plopped back down, landing on her side. That was a first! She got all snugly lying on her side and fell back asleep on her own! Phew! I guess we can check that off the list of developmental milestones!
Ok, pour that wine! Oh yeah! I'm gonna hold my glass with two hands, just because I can. It was a beautiful night. We sat on the deck overlooking the lake, sipping wine and having a few good laughs by the light of our baby monitors. Life is good! I never want to leave.
If you are thinking that sounds too good to be true, you would be right. We were laughing, telling stories of the good old days, when all of a sudden we hear chanting in the distance. We couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but it definitely sounded like children and they were directly across the lake.
Me: "What is that? What is going on over there?"
Brother-In-Law: "I don't know, but it sounds like Lord of the Flies. 'KILL THE PIG! DRINK IT'S BLOOD!' "
Hubby: "Nope. That's not it. They are chanting 'FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS!' "
Me & Sis (simultaneously): "Fuuuuuuuck."
BOOM! BANG! KAPOW!
Prior to four months ago, a surprise fireworks display would have been exciting, beautiful, even a bit romantic. But in this particular moment, I wanted to swim across the lake and shove a Roman Candle straight up the ass of whoever thought this was a good idea.
All of the baby monitors started to go off, picking up the sound of the fireworks, and once again, we were on the edges of our seats waiting to see whose child was going to be the first to scream in terror. They all wiggled and squirmed, tossed and turned, but they didn't wake up! I love this place! Maybe it's all the fresh air or just the excitement of being on vacation, but these kids are sleeping! Through everything! Pour another glass and bring on the finale!
In case that wasn't enough of a threat to our peaceful evening, the neighbors decided to start a bonfire. Ok. No big deal, right? Well, as it turns out, it is a big fucking deal when you want to start a bonfire and have no wood. It is a HUGE fucking deal when you need to split logs with a metal wedge and hammer at 10PM. And it is an ENORMOUS fucking deal when you need to split logs at 10 PM AND have two barky dogs that like to sit in front of the open window! Son of a Bitch!
Well, my little peanut finally woke up and needed to be rocked back to sleep before we could finish off that bottle of wine. So we did just that. We drank, We laughed so hard, my cheeks were hurting, and we stayed up past midnight (I know, we are wild and crazy!). This will definitely be a story we tell our kids when they're older, hopefully on the same lake vacationing together again.
The first night, my sister insisted that my husband and I go to the bar down the street for a drink so she can spend time with the baby all by herself. Who was I to argue? What kind of mom would I be if I deprived my child of some good quality time with her aunt and uncle? I knew I couldn't leave her for too long because I only had one bottle of breastmilk that I was able to pump that morning, but a little 45 minute date with the hubby was just what we needed. A great start to the weekend, for sure. We were within walking distance from the house, but because we were out on a lake surrounded by mountains, my cell phone somehow interpreted that as being out of the country, so I couldn't receive or send text messages, but I trust my sister 100% and didn't really worry too much. She's done this a few times. She knows what she's doing! Baby girl did just fine! She played a little, took her bottle and even started to fall asleep in her arms, but at one point she opened her eyes, looked up at my sister and out came the boo boo lip when she realized she wasn't with mommy. They were both able to sooth her again by the time we got home, but hearing that she experienced "stranger anxiety" (even for a brief moment) for the first time was a little heartbreaking.
It took a while to get her to sleep that first night. Probably because it was a different environment and the room was pretty bright with all the windows overlooking the lake. But the second night, we all hit the jackpot... All 3 kids were asleep before 8pm! Wahoo! No sooner did my baby's head touch her pack n' play mattress did my sister have a bottle of wine uncorked and ready to be poured.
Not so fast, sister! Here comes the steamboat dinner cruise... We watched that boat with such intensity, as if we were on the front line in battle watching the enemy approach. Don't do it, Captain. Don't you dare blow that horn! Wouldn't you know, Captain Fuckhead tooted that damn horn right in front of the house! Ugh! Baby girl started to stir and those assholes on their fancy dinner cruise blissfully waved to us with a cocktail in the other hand while my sister and I gestured back with just one finger and silently mouthed obscenities at them, careful not to disturb the children. Miraculously, peanut didn't fully wake up. Neither did her cousins! She just swung her little legs way up in the air and plopped back down, landing on her side. That was a first! She got all snugly lying on her side and fell back asleep on her own! Phew! I guess we can check that off the list of developmental milestones!
Ok, pour that wine! Oh yeah! I'm gonna hold my glass with two hands, just because I can. It was a beautiful night. We sat on the deck overlooking the lake, sipping wine and having a few good laughs by the light of our baby monitors. Life is good! I never want to leave.
If you are thinking that sounds too good to be true, you would be right. We were laughing, telling stories of the good old days, when all of a sudden we hear chanting in the distance. We couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but it definitely sounded like children and they were directly across the lake.
Me: "What is that? What is going on over there?"
Brother-In-Law: "I don't know, but it sounds like Lord of the Flies. 'KILL THE PIG! DRINK IT'S BLOOD!' "
Hubby: "Nope. That's not it. They are chanting 'FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS!' "
Me & Sis (simultaneously): "Fuuuuuuuck."
BOOM! BANG! KAPOW!
Prior to four months ago, a surprise fireworks display would have been exciting, beautiful, even a bit romantic. But in this particular moment, I wanted to swim across the lake and shove a Roman Candle straight up the ass of whoever thought this was a good idea.
All of the baby monitors started to go off, picking up the sound of the fireworks, and once again, we were on the edges of our seats waiting to see whose child was going to be the first to scream in terror. They all wiggled and squirmed, tossed and turned, but they didn't wake up! I love this place! Maybe it's all the fresh air or just the excitement of being on vacation, but these kids are sleeping! Through everything! Pour another glass and bring on the finale!
In case that wasn't enough of a threat to our peaceful evening, the neighbors decided to start a bonfire. Ok. No big deal, right? Well, as it turns out, it is a big fucking deal when you want to start a bonfire and have no wood. It is a HUGE fucking deal when you need to split logs with a metal wedge and hammer at 10PM. And it is an ENORMOUS fucking deal when you need to split logs at 10 PM AND have two barky dogs that like to sit in front of the open window! Son of a Bitch!
Well, my little peanut finally woke up and needed to be rocked back to sleep before we could finish off that bottle of wine. So we did just that. We drank, We laughed so hard, my cheeks were hurting, and we stayed up past midnight (I know, we are wild and crazy!). This will definitely be a story we tell our kids when they're older, hopefully on the same lake vacationing together again.
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