Sleep. It's so overrated. I mean, really. You lie there with your eyes closed, breathing. Literally, that's all you do, breathe. So boring, right? Oh, but sometimes your brain stays awake and causes you to dream. You can dream about something awesome, like winning the lottery, only to be woken up from it by your alarm clock with the punch-in-the-gut realization that it didn't really happen, and probably never will because you don't even play the lottery. Or your brain reaches in deep to pull out some fucked up, random thought and then translates it into a nightmare of tiny spiders crawling all over your body, or your teeth suddenly falling out of your head for no apparent reason, after which you wake up in a panic sweat and don't ever want to fall asleep again! Yeah, sleeping sucks. I'm glad my child has been waking up 2 or 3 times a night.
This is me looking on the bright side of not getting enough sleep. The truth is, I've been lying to myself and everyone around me. When people ask if she's a good sleeper, I would say "Oh, yes. She typically sleeps through the night, but she has a stuffy nose this week, so she's been waking up a few times," or "She's just teething this week," or "She must be going through a growth spurt," or "It got cold last night, she probably needs a warmer sleep sack," or "It's too quiet." But the truth is, she's just not a good sleeper anymore.
A few times, she woke up screaming so hard, she couldn't catch her breath, like she was having a bad dream. Even once at daycare, she woke up from a nap sort of startled and panicked. A nightmare? What could she be having nightmares about? Her whole life is just kisses and snuggles and toys and puppies! How could her tiny brain possibly turn those thoughts into something scary? Luckily that didn't continue, but the sleepless nights did, and it is starting to take a toll on all of us.
Remember zombie Dad who couldn't follow a simple direction because he only got 3 hours of sleep? Yeah, he's back. But this time it's worse because now Mom is also an incompetent zombie. You see, back when Baby Girl was just a newborn, I was running on adrenalin and new mom power. I got used to being up all night and my brain was trained to push through it. But now, 8 months later, my brain got smart. It's had a taste of a full nights sleep again and doesn't want to turn back. You want me to help you remember everything Baby needs packed for Daycare, and everything you need for work, and to brush your teeth, and to lock the door, and to stay alert while you drive, and to not leave your coffee on the roof of the car, and then get you through a full day of work on just 3 hours of sleep? Fuck that. I'm shutting down.
It's amazing we made it through the week. One day last week I packed Peanut's lunchbox (which usually only has room for her bottles, lunch bowl, spoon and bib, and her snacks go in her backpack separately). I stood at the counter in awe of myself because I got everything to fit in it! Wow, I thought. I did it! I figured out the puzzle! Damn, I'm good. And I zipped up that bag like a proud kindergartener who just learned how to tie her own shoes. Not long after I drop her off at daycare, did I get a phone call: "Uh, Andrea, I can't find the tops to her bottles. Did you leave them in your car?" Shit! Shit! Shit! That's why everything fit! I forgot the fucking nipples to her bottles! Luckily they have back up bottles at daycare that they sterilize every night, so I didn't have to drive 45 minutes back home to go get them. Stupid, stupid, stupid [banging my head against the wall].
My favorite zombie parent moment, however, came a few days later. After a particularly horrendous night of taking turns tending to a very fussy baby, hubby and I got up and mindlessly went through the motions of our morning routine and went our separate ways to work. When I got to my desk, I received this text message:
Hubby: Did your coffee taste normal today?
Me: Haven't tried it yet. Why?
Hubby: I'm not sure, but I may or may not have put OJ in my coffee instead of milk.
Me: Ew.
So that's our life in a nutshell right now. Hopefully it will get better and Baby Girl will learn to sleep again, but for now we drink our coffee black.
