A Reading Rainbow... Of Sorts

For my baby shower, guests were asked to give a book in lieu of a card. I loved this idea because I couldn't wait to start building a library for our daughter. My husband and I decided it's never too early to start reading to her, so we've been reading bedtime stories every night since the day we brought her home from the hospital. I know what you're thinking, what's the point? It's like reading to the dog. Newborns don't even have fully developed eyesight, let alone the ability to comprehend the exciting plot twists of Frog and Toad. I know she has no idea what's going on and has zero comprehension of the stories we read, but it creates a routine for her (and us), and it sets aside some special time for us to spend together.

We got some fantastic books, old and new, and let me tell you, they are all just as fun to read to each other (Mommy and Daddy) as they were to read to my students when I taught Preschool. Besides all of the educational benefits of reading to your child at an early age, it's also really fun to over analyze the simplicity of children's books now while she doesn't understand what the hell we're saying! It's like Mystery Science Theater every night in my house, but with children's books. You should try it!  I hope no one takes offense if I happen to mention a book that you gifted to us. I'm not criticizing them, just having a little fun here.

Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed: my husband thinks it's hilarious, and a bit disturbing, that every single time one of the monkeys falls out of bed and hits their head hard enough for Momma to have to call the doctor, she puts the injured monkey back to sleep! Hello? NEVER LET SOMEONE WITH A HEAD INJURY GO TO SLEEP!! They could have a concussion! And what the fuck kind of doctor responds to a head injury with "This is the 5th child from the same house in the SAME NIGHT with a head injury? How about trying no more jumping on the bed? Let's see if that works." Uh, it didn't work the first four times, maybe now you should call CPS on this woman. Not only do all of her children have possible head trauma, but all five of them have to share a bed! That's just sad.

The Cat in the Hat: Don't even get me started on how this book teaches kids to let a total stranger in the house to play and completely trash the place while mom's not home. Wait. Mom's not home? Yup, that's right. Mom left the two young children at home alone while she went grocery shopping. Oh but don't worry, the goldfish is babysitting!

I actually do love both of those books and I can't wait to read them to our little one when she is a little more self-aware. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. As a teacher with a masters in Literacy, I can tell you that they are engaging, fun, and introduce concepts like rhyming, repetition and alliteration, and they've withstood the test of time. So thank you to the people who gave them to us!

Then we came across this book:

This treasure was from my husband's childhood collection of books. As tattered and worn out as it is, I'm surprised it even exists. I mean, why has this book not been burned in a fire along with all the bras during the women's lib movement of the 1960's, or had the pages torn out and used to roll joints during the environmental movement of the 70's? I should explain. Let me make something very clear: what you are about to read is not sarcasm. This is actually a synopsis of the book.

Stan is about to embark on his first day on the job as a Garbage Man. During his route, he decides it's such a waste to just throw gently used household items into the "chewer-upper," so instead he ties everything to the top of the truck and gives them way to the people in town. Everyone is so excited to make other people's trash their treasure. Great idea, right? Reduce, Re-use, Recycle! Yay!

Not so fast.

When everything is gone, and I quote: "...fathers went to work and mothers went back to the dishes."

Mmmhmm. Yup. That's right, Mom. Go back to the kitchen where you belong and make me a pie!

But wait, there's more! Stan's boss is a little disappointed with this novel idea of recycling. He was supposed to put everything in the "chewer upper" so that the trash and ashes can be carried away on a tugboat and, I quote again: "used to fill in swampland. Then parks and playgrounds would be built there."  What a shame! Now, because stupid Stan had to go and reduce the amount of trash collected in the town, the poor children won't have a dirty swamp yard to play in! WHEN WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

But don't get too worried. Every good book has a happy ending. [SPOILER ALERT!!!!!] The people of the town decide, the very next day, that their new treasures were pieces of shit after all and put everything back on the street for garbage pick up. Stan was sad at first, but then he realized something:
"All this stuff will fill in lots and lots of swamps!"

If you were as captivated by this author's poignant writing as I was, then you'll want to check out his other work (I'm going out on a limb here to assume that Gene is a guy):

The review for No Roses for Harry especially caught my attention.  Dear Garbage Man already proved that logic + ludicrousness = gales of laughter, I can't wait to see what kind of gender stereotyping and environmental activism Harry has in store for us!

Here's another timeless classic from the 1950's, salvaged (thank god!) from my husband's childhood collection:

[I should take a moment here to point out that my husband is not actually in his 70's, although if you look at his taste in alcohol, you might think so. He's only 32, and he drinks Manhattans and single malt Scotch. But I digress...]

I Want to be a Fireman: I'll be brief with this one.  Bill and Jane stop by the fire house on their way home from school, when the fire alarm goes off. Curious about what firemen actually do (you can see how interested Jane is in this illustration), they stick around to watch them in action.

They count the firemen and identify the different trucks and equipment. Even Jane, a girl, identifies the pump engine! Way to go, Jane! Then, here comes Dad to drive them right to the deadly inferno so they can get a front row seat at the action. Right then and there, Bill decides that's what he wants to be when he grows up. And what about Jane, you ask? Will she become a trailblazer for other intelligent little girls like herself in the future, and become the first female firefighter?

No, she will not.

Bring Back Reading Rainbow... PLEASE!!