Public Displays of Nutrition

Last week my mother-in-law and I went out to lunch before visiting a friend and her new baby in the hospital. Nothing fancy, just a local diner. Well, right on cue like always, baby girl decided, just as the waitress brought our food, that she was hungry too.  I knew I had to perform the dreaded task of breastfeeding in public. It's not that I was ashamed or against it at all. I never had a problem with women breastfeeding in public. I mean, babies have to eat too, right? But I dreaded it for two reasons.

For one, breastfeeding under a cover in front of strangers is an art form. One which I did not think I was graceful enough to perform. You have to shuffle through the diaper bag to find your Udder Cover (no, I didn't make that up. It's actually called an Udder Cover!), strap it around your neck, make sure you are completely covered before you start unclipping your nursing top and bra, whip it out, and gracefully position your fussy baby on your boob with very little visual. And you have to do this within seconds because baby's volume can go from 0-100 before you can unfold your napkin and place it in your lap. Basically, you want to get it done before people start staring. It's like working the pit stop at Nascar, only partly blindfolded!

The other reason I was nervous about Breastfeeding in public was that,  although I was completely comfortable with the concept, I was worried about the people around me. Would I get looks of disgust? Would the manager come out and ask me to leave because other patrons are "offended" by my child's need for sustenance?

Oh no, not this momma! In my brain, I was fully prepared to go head-to-head with any anti-PDN (Public Displays of Nutrition) jerks!  My quick-witted one-liners were packed and ready for rapid fire! Here are just a few that sprung up in my mind:

-"Why, yes I am Breastfeeding my child. It's what mammals do to feed their young. Maybe one day, when you evolve and catch up, you'll understand."

-"well, I thought the way you inhaled that burger was quite disgusting as well, but I was kind enough to keep that to myself. Oh, by the way, you got a little something in your beard."
(That one could work for a man or a woman! BURN!)

-"I'm sorry. You are right. I'm being incredibly rude. I should have brought enough for everyone!"
(Then I'd squirt 'em in the eye... hehe)

After I hit him between the eyes with my best comeback, I'd pack the baby in the stroller, leave the bill unpaid and storm out letting everyone know that I was on my way to write horrible reviews on Yelp and Urban Spoon, all while whipping out not one, but TWO boobs and turn it into a dramatic Western style shoot out exit.

Ok, I'm letting my imagination get ahead of me there, but you get the picture... Right?

You'll be happy to know that my first PDN experience went very smoothly. There were no dirty looks and I didn't have to call the local news network. No one really even noticed! And I was able to eat with just my left hand (yeah, I was that good!). The only comments I got when I was done were about how beautiful my daughter was. [insert collective "awwwwe" here]

While I'm glad PDN is accepted, at least at that establishment, a little part of me wishes I could have used one of those lines on some ignorant fool. Mom Power!

Do you have any good comebacks that you've used or plan to use should you find yourself in this situation? Leave a comment to share them with other mommas!